Numero Cinco

Florence and the Machine is so awesome. So awesome.

I reallly hope this year isn’t about to be as stressful as I am anticipating..
‘Cause that’d suck.

You know how certain genres of music, or bands, make you feel a certain way whenever you listen to them and kinda change the mood of anything? I love that.
If I could just feel like 311 and Matisyahu all the time, I’d be set. Those bands chill me out so easily; it’s awesome. I wanna feel like that all the time, though. I don’t know how to describe my mood when I listen to them. Haha, it’s soo spacey.

Anyway, it’s Ryan Picole’s 18th birthday. Which means that my lastt big sister is going to college next year :/. Gray’s starting middle school, I finally got my permit, and Ryan’s a senior. We’re growin’ up soo friggin’ fast. I don’t like this. I mean, I’m glad we’re all succeeding and stuff, but I miss having all 6 kids in the house. Soon, there’ll only be 2.. Goodness gracious. I’m gunna be the big kid. I’m gunna have to be the ride everywhere and the example.. I’m not gunna have Ryan to bring me to school or help me find things or figure things out. She’s not gunna be on the swim team with me anymore.. Craaap.
She doesn’t know this, probably, but I depend on Ryan soo much. She’s my best friend and I don’t know what I’m gunna do when she leaves for college. I still have a year with her, but I can’t help but think about her leaving. I love my big sister more than all things . I’m very proud of her and that I’m her sister.

I hate it when people try to tell me that I will have a life this coming year, and that they’re going to make me hang out with people and be social. It’s not gunna happen, I’ve most likely had this conversation with them before, and it’s not a fun one. All it does is make me feel like even more of a loser. I’m not a project that someone needs to work on changing. I’m fine with how I am and how I spend my time. During the school year, I go to school, and then swim practice. On the weekends, I have practice Friday and I’m usually too tired to do anything after, and then I have Saturday morning practice. After Saturday practice, I’m either doing homework or watching TV. Sunday, I have church and it’s family day. Other times though, I might have a swim meet that could be just on Saturday, or it could be on both Sat. and Sunday. During the summer, I have practice every morning, and I usually don’t do anything after. I go out of town with my church or with family, down to Baton Rouge.
I’ve had a lot of people ask me why I don’t hang out with my friends.. I’m usually hanging out with my siblings. I like being with my family because they’re all friggin’ hilarious. I think that being part of a big family, with so many brothers and sisters, even though I know people with muchh bigger families, makes it easier to kind of disappear from the social part of high school. For me, at least.
I understand that people don’t really get why I like being alone so much. I understand that it’s probably kind of weird. I understand that for some reason, it might be annoying to some people. But at the same time, it’s not your life, so why are you trying to push me to change my way of dealing with things and ignoring them? I don’t like being around a lot of people at once, I don’t like being around people I don’t know. I like being comfortable. I’m comfortable with how I am.

Goodness, I love Florence + the Machine.

Is it bad that I don’t want to grow up anymore? Well, at least go through the whole process of growing up.. I just want to be there already.
I get really anxious when I think about the future for me; like, college and finding a job and having to deal with bills and kids.
It just doesn’t sound fun or easy to me. I know it’s not supposed to be, but I wish it was.

Sometimes when I think about it too much, I think I’d rather not even go to college. But that would mean less job opportunities and stuff.. and I need those.  Ohhh, I don’t know. It’s whatever.

I don’t mean to offend anyone with this, but I’ve gotten so tired of hearing that people are “born gay.” It might be the most annoying thing I’ve heard in a while, and for some reason, I’ve heard it a lot more, recently, than I used to. It makes me so mad. (Shaking while I write this post, btw.)
First of all, why would God create you gay and then say it’s a sin to be gay? Why in the world would the Holy Lord do that to anyone? He would not, and He did not. Why would He deliberately send someone to Hell? He wouldn’t do that to anyone in this world that He has created.
In the Bible, it says multiple times that man should not be with man as he is with a woman, and the same goes for women. 

9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
- 1 Corinthians 6:9-10

I know the Bible is the truth, so don’t evenn start tryin’ to tell me that it’s all made up stories. It scares me to see how many people I know,as of now, not just because of this specific topic, aren’t going to make it into Heaven. It aggrivates me that so many people I know, they might change, but based on how they are right now, have such strong opinions and personalities that no one is going to get into their heads to change their minds. So we’re all stuck at least trying.

Second of all, people always use “Okay, but God loves everyone equally..” DUH. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that because someone is gay that the Lord ignores, forgets, and stops loving them. He doesn’t do that to anyone in the world! Goodness. He adores every single one of us. If He didn’t, He has the power to strike us down on the spot, anytime He wants, and I guess He would if He didn’t love us. So.

You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.
- Leviticus 18:22.
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Being gay is not something anyone is born with. Temptation and sin are thrown out there and you choose wether you go into it and sin, or glorify God. People that are gay or bi choose to be like that. Wether they realize it or not, they chose to. Being gay is a lifestlye.
I’m not judging at all; I’m just putting my beliefs out there. God gave us this life, and we choose how to live it.

You know how a lottt of people think that they have to “hook up” with their boyfriend/girlfriend to be able to say or show them that they love them? Yeah, well that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.
That’s supposed to be saved for until after you’re married. Read the bible, it’ll tell you.
What bothers me the mostt about this, is that people that go to church hook up with people on a regular basis. How could someone do that? I don’t know. I know everyone is a sinner and that you’re supposed to forgive everyone, but for some reason this particular sin is harder for me to process than others.
You know what makes me smile? That my brother joined a group on Facebook called, “I’m Saving Myself for Awkward Honeymoon Sex.” I know it’s a littttle bit awkward, haha, but it’s good to know that even though he’s just finished college, and is going into the real world, that he’s stayed pure and focused on God and work and studying.
Sex means nothing if you’re not married. It’s meant to be for when you’re married, so that you and you’re husband/wife are one person and can start a family under God.
I wear a purity ring so that I remember that I’m living for the Lord and so that other people will ask me what it’s about or for. I have been made fun of for wearing it, “what’s the point??” The point is that I’m supposed to be a Christ-like example for everyone I know and don’t know. I’m a child-of-Christ, a Christian. I wear the ring on my ring finger, because it’s holding the place for my wedding ring. I wear the ring, hoping for other real Christians to see it and be encouraged to be strong when non-believers doubt them or try to lose them.

The same thing happens every day;
I sit here trying to find someone that can comprehend how I feel.
They say that they understand and that I should get out more.
You know, hang out with people and be happy with my life.
Only, I can’t do that and they don’t really understand.

I like being alone, but not lonely.
That doesn’t make any sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it;
I like being by myself, in my room, door closed.
However, I wish I could be one of those people that always hangs out with their friends, too.
I know that’s not about to happen anytime soon.

It’s whatever I guess.
I’m kind of torn between wanting to be social and busy,
and wanting to be alone so I don’t have to talk to anyone or hang out.
I mean, I like having friends, and knowing that I have people to talk to,
but I don’t know.

I think I have some kind of social anxiety.
I get nervous/stressed/anxious anytime anyone asks me to hang out.
I usually end up turning them down, and then all I do is sit at home.
Emotionless; that’s the only way I know how to describe how I feel all of the time.

This isn’t good or anything, I just felt like writing I guess? Ohh, I don’t know.

I wrote a four word letter… with post-script in crooked lines,
“Though I’d lived I’d never been alive.”
And you know who I am… you held my hem as I traveled blind,
Listening to the whispering in my ear, soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here is to stay a bit longer.
Stealing a bicycle chain as the handlebars crashed to the ground,
And the back wheel detached from the frame, it kept rolling, yeah,
But aimlessly drifting around.

Oh, doubters, let’s go down… let’s go down, won’t you come on down?
Oh, doubters, let’s go down… down to the river to pray.
“Oh, but I’m so small I can barely be seen… how can this great love be inside of me?”
Look at your eyes…. they’re small in size, but they see enormous things.

Wearing black canvas slippers in our frog-on-a-lily-pad pose,
We sewed buttons and zippers to Chinese pink silk and olive night-clothes.
If you could someday stop by somehow we’ll show you the pictures and fix you some tea…
See, my dad’s getting a bit older now, and just unimaginably lonely!

Oh, pretenders, let’s go down… let’s go down, won’t you come on down?
Oh, pretenders, let’s go down… down to the river to pray.
“Oh, but I’m so afraid” or “I’m set in my ways”
But He’ll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.
“Oh, but I’m too tired, I won’t last long.”
No, He’ll use the weak to overcome the strong!
Oh, Amanda, let’s go down… let’s go down, won’t you come on down?
Mama, Nana, let’s go down… down in the dirt by the river to pray.

(A wick to fit the wax… wood to fit the wire)

You strike the match… why not be utterly changed to fire?
To sacrifice the shadow and the mist of a brief life you never much liked?
So if you’d care to come along, we’re gonna curb all our never-ending, clever complaining,
As who’s ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?
Though we hunger, though all that we eat brings us little relief,
We don’t know quite what else to do;
We have all our beliefs, but we don’t want our beliefs…
God of Peace, we want You.

Mewithoutyou.
I love this song too much.

You know what sucks? Moving away from the only place you’ve ever lived; same house for 10 years, same state for almost 13. Leaving all of the people you grew up playing, swimming, learning with; all of the churches, schools, banks, restaurants, and businesses you passed everyday behind; all of the teams you were a part of with one less teammate.
Yeah, okay, with it being summer right now, it’ll be 4 years that I’ve lived here on June 8th. So it’s not a big deal anymore. I’ve gotten over it.
You know what makes my heart drop and the expression on my face go completely blank? Starting my summer by being exempt from all of my exams, going to my older brother’s graduation at LSU, getting to hang out with 3 of my awesome friends I hadn’t seen in a year, and having them tell me that just about every single person I talked to in 6th grade and had become good friends with, with the exception of a few, parties now. I swear they named pretty much everyone I was friends with and told me that they drink and smoke and hook-up with people now.
I know that I’m probably making a bigger deal out of this than it really is, but I don’t hear that kind of stuff everyday. I think that it just hurt me to see that that’s how much people had changed in the time I had been gone. Before I found out I was moving, I had it in my head that those were the people that I wanted to go through high school with. Now, it makes my stomach hurt to talk to them because of the stuff they do, and it kills me.
I know people change over time, and hang out with different people and stuff, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want it to happen to everyone I knew.

Really.

I wrote this in 8th grade. ’08 – ’09 school year. 

We had heard of the coming storm,
And for days we had just assumed that it would die down
And leave us to survive without power.
On August 29, 2005, she left more than our houses torn;
Crescent City, New Orleans, lost hundreds that had drowned,
While Baton Rouge barely suffered; only losing electricity for hours.

The category 3 hurricane soon turned into a category 5, hit,
Argued with nature, and making it to Lake Pontchartrain
Only left its scorching fire brightly lit.
Soon enough, this fierce storm caused more and more pain;
More than so many others that had left our state so desperate.
Compared to her however, they were merely thunderstorms.

Before we knew it, she had made it to the next level;
This unbelievably horrific storm was now a category 6,
Tearing up anything and everything in its way like a Tasmanian devil.
This hurricane might as well have been a little kid that kicks
As if it was his only solution to getting his way.

The winds sounded like tortured screams,
Forcing the palm trees on the boulevards in New Orleans to bend,
And leaving the boarded-up windows of historic buildings blown out.
This hurricane was worse than it seems,
And it wasn’t just because of that horrible wind;
It hurt the people of Louisiana and left them with doubt.
No one could’ve imagined the amount of rain
That poured into the bowl-shaped city,
Filling it higher than some window pains.

What amazed so many people was the stubbornness
Of these colorful New Orleans natives;
They argued with their mayor, while he tried to do his best.
Strong is what those people were; unwilling to leave where they live.
They refused and refused and were accused of being
Crazy. Really, they were just afraid to believe what they were seeing.

I knew it was bad and started to feel guilty
For being safe in my home
While those devoted people’s hearts were quickly wilting.
Even the people staying in that gigantic dome
Started losing all hope and faith in the promise of their safety.
The man had sworn on his father’s word to keep us safe from anything crazy.

Some people believed that God was finally
Punishing the city of New Orleans for its sins
And reputation; others however, disagree.
I don’t know what my opinion is exactly,
All I know is that it was the worst storm we’d ever been in.

While this was all happening south of Baton Rouge,
My sisters and I, still safe from the storm,
Ran around in our backyard oblivious to something huge.
Our power was out, some trees had fallen,
But we were enjoying the rain as if no one was ever in any pain.
We came in nearly exhausted, which was nothing
Compared to the people in the city that was normally singing.
Those happy memories were now a blur,
Nothing however, was worse than the Lower 9^th Ward.

Going down there now and seeing the historic city,
It looks nothing like what it used to be;
Buildings are gone and there’s spray paint on all of the walls,
Every word and symbol with a different meaning over all.

There are boats on streets, boats on cars,
Boats on top of houses and flipped upside down.
The brutality of the water had left cars everywhere ajar
By tossing and hurtling the transportation all over town.
Who would’ve thought water could throw so far?

Below us, our city was being torn apart,
While in Baton Rouge, we stayed fine.
Their hearts were being hit repeatedly with darts,
And all we were worried about was the length of time
Our strong, but falling city would have a devastated, broken heart.

It seemed as if this wicked hurricane
Could do no more, but worsen our pain;
That’s what it was best at, that’s definitely what it did
And it wouldn’t have stopped for the highest bid.
The people in New Orleans were stuck on their roofs,
While the people of Baton Rouge just sat outside on their stoops.

The dedicated natives of South Louisiana
Wanted nothing more than to stay in their homes.
When the water came, no one could forebode
What little time they had to climb.
Closer to the top, the safer they’d be;
They put a hole in their roofs and sat only to see
Nothing but water and the tips of some trees.

Now, after it’s over, it took so much with it;
Pictures, records, and lives all the same.
This city and this state may never be as beautiful, I’ll admit,
But its people and their faith is what kept it aflame.
Would you have guessed that a city so small
Could endure such a storm, with still, a wall
Of strength, as strong as leather?
Without which, the city couldn’t have survived such weather.

Those people’s lives will never be the same,
They’ll never forget such horrid pain.
If you had gone through a storm like this,
Do you think your life would be full of bliss?

I hope we don’t walk down this road again
We’ll leave the demons and sins behind
And never go back to the stage we were once in.
If we stick to this plan, we’ll be just fine.
Our hope will replace everything in the end;
Devastation and loss will be stuck in our minds
For as long as this family lives. We were part of
History, and that’s perfectly fine with us, just get it
Right and don’t mess up, because all we have left is love.